I didn’t have a plan
My story begins with the fact that I never really thought about whether I’d be breastfeeding or not. Then I gave birth to twins and quickly found out that breastfeeding might not be as natural as I had imagined. They were born a little early, in October 2016. Especially my daughter: she was really tiny (1790 g at birth) and both of them had a hard time feeding at the breast.
Pump first, ask questions later
So, I started pumping. And it worked! Soon I had enough milk for both babies, and after a while, I even had some to freeze.
At that point, I started looking for support, still thinking that pumping was only temporary and that the goal was to switch to breastfeeding. But at the same time, I was pretty okay with being hooked up to the pump. I liked having some control: knowing exactly how much the babies were eating and how much I was pumping.
Switching to the breast and crashing hard
However, I also came across some Facebook groups where I learned that I wasn’t pumping often enough to maintain my supply once my milk “regulated” (which typically happens around 3 months postpartum). So, I tried switching to breastfeeding. And surprisingly, it went perfectly smoothly: no complications at all.
Unfortunately, it turned out that breastfeeding was simply too much for me: too much physical contact, too much time, too much of a loss of control. Today, this makes complete sense given my later ADHD diagnosis. But back then, I just thought I was a bad mother and couldn’t understand what was wrong. I eventually fell into depression when the twins were about 8–9 months old, although I continued breastfeeding until they were 13 months.
Round two: no pressure this time
Not long after weaning, I found out I was pregnant again. The pregnancy gave me an unexpected mental health boost but I was terrified I’d be facing the same breastfeeding dilemma all over again. At that time, I was already in therapy, and I spent most of that second pregnancy unpacking my relationship with breastfeeding. It was during that time that I heaard the words “I don’t like breastfeeding” for the very first time. And it was me who said them.
Eventually, I decided to put zero pressure on myself about whether I would breastfeed my third baby or not. I hoped the oxytocin high after birth might help me want to nurse but I also carried a written note from my psychiatrist recommending that hospital staff not encourage me to breastfeed unless I specifically asked for help.
Pumping 2.0
My second birth, in October 2018, ended in an emergency caesarean. No oxytocin high this time. But as soon as I felt well enough, I started pumping and I never latched the baby. And this time, it went even better than with the twins.
Therapy was one way I prepared for this second breastfeeding experience. The other was learning. I read a lot, mainly scientific research. With that knowledge, I organized my lactation plan on my own, often ignoring or deliberately going against most mainstream pumping advice. My attitude was basically: I do it my way or I don’t do it at all.
So I pumped much less frequently from the start: I was down to only 3–4 sessions per day when my baby turned 3 months old, and just 2–3 sessions a day after 6 months. The one rule I followed was to pump for at least 2 hours a day.
I exclusively pumped for my third baby for 12 months: no formula, no latching. During that time, I donated nearly 28 liters of milk to a local human milk bank, and shared some more through informal milksharing.
With all that experience, I desperately wanted to support other women on their own lactation journeys. But then the pandemic hit, my health declined, and other projects — no less important, but not quite as close to my heart — took over.
And then, another baby
But then I got one more chance to reconnect with just how deeply this topic matters to me: the birth of my baby girl in September 2024.
Once again, I had no expectations about breastfeeding going into birth. It turned out to be a long and exhausting but beautiful and successful VBAC. I even tried latching her, but quickly realized it wasn’t my path.
I started pumping the day after birth and had a great milk supply almost immediately.
Boundaries, baby, boundaries
This time, I approached pumping with even more internal boundaries. Now that I had an ADHD diagnosis, I knew I might eventually need to go back on medicationand they are not compatible with breastfeeding. Plus, with three older kids (some with special needs like ADHD and ASD), I knew I couldn’t afford to be tied to a pump for hours a day. So I made a clear agreement with myself: I would not spend more than one hour a day pumping. If that meant weaning earlier — so be it. If I needed to restart medication and stop pumping — so be it.
And how did it go?
The last bottle of my milk, my daughter received on her first birthday. She was fed almost exclusively with it for the first 6 months, and then from time to time we supplemented with formula and expanded her diet. But even when she was 9 months old, my milk was still the basis of her daily diet. In the first 3 months, I donated over 25 liters of milk to the milk bank. I continued to stick to the established limit – I spend an average of about 1 hour per day with the pump. In total, I produced less milk than before (272 liters over 12 months vs. 383 liters over 12 months), but I also spent much less time doing it (360 hours vs. 559 hours over a year).
My gear + my values
I didn’t use a hospital-grade pump, as I did when expressing for my third child. Thanks to the kindness of the Krakow Milk Bank, I was able to use the Medela Symphony back then. Now I gave it up and only use the simplest manual pump. With each pumping session, I use massage and breast compression – in my opinion, that’s the key to results.
And the most important tools? Self-compassion and self-trust. Without them, none of my younger kids would have received any of my milk.